Thursday, 28 July 2011

It's white here, blank, not the kind of white you see in the clouds or the white that you see on the first snow of the winter
it's blank, blanker than it's ever been

I read the blog

Cam's dead.

Cam's dead cam's dead and I'm not even there for my team

have you ever been falling for so long you're not sure if you're standing or if the ground is rushing up to meet you

pleased to meet you mr. slim, cause you see, he looked so happy on that night I just couldn't tell him, can't you see? I couldn't have told him, couldn't have, couldn't have, couldn't have, it would have ruined everything-

it's not my fault.
But it is my fault

because I didn't even try

"He was right behind him. Christ, they're not going to last, are they?"

I didn't mean it
I didn't mean it i didn't mean it I swear I didn't mean it

I wasn't sure how much they all remembered about the night I found them.
Do you know what it looks like when someone is begging you to live? What about all the ones I didn't save?
What about all the ones I chose not to save?

I'm not even sure who I am anymore
Not sure what I'm for
what good I do
I don't do any good, it's just business, don't take it personally, but I can't take all of them in
or at least I tell myself-

... If I had told them
Told Cam.
I wonder.....

Would he have believed me?

I'm going to die here, aren't I?
I'm going to die and leave them all alone
Please god I don't want to die I don't want to help Him I don't want this I DON'T WANT THIS I DON'T WANT THIS ANYMORE
Please just let me keep Him away

I can't do that to all of them again
They need me
please god
they need me

... Don't they?


  1. Fuck, Spence. Hang in there. They need you, of course they do. And I'm not ready to lose you either. Especially not so soon.

    Point. The point is, hang in there. And don't beat yourself up. I'm sorry about Cam. If... if you need someone, I'm not as nice as he is, but I'll still listen.

  2. ...
    Didn't save you either
    Could have HELPED could have helped

    but I didn't

    I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry
    It can't fix anythingI can't fix anything can I?

  3. ... Boss, how long have you been in there?

    We need you. I need you. Jesus Rollerblading Christ Spencer, how long have you been...

    Where is all that blood from? It's yours, isn't it?

    It's not your fault. It's not anybody's fault. Anybody's fault but Prosper's. Don't let it drag you down boss, please.

    You're the only thing keeping us together.

    (But it'll still hurt, won't it? It'll hurt every time and it won't stop hurting. Not until you forget. And you're not allowed to forget, are you? None of us are.)

  4. He tries sometimes, y'know
    Don't let Him
    Not matter how much it hurts
    Matt wouldn't have wanted me to forget
    but that's easy for him to say 'cause he's dead
    he left me alone and now I'm going to leave you all alone too
    ...fuckdammit Spencer don't cry

  5. You're not going to leave us alone, Spencer. You're not going to abandon us. You won't let yourself do that and you know we won't let you leave us for dead.

    You don't leave a teammate behind.

    And the boss is no exception.

    Now get off the blog and get some rest, for somebody's sake. Jesus Rollerblading Christ how do you even type with your hands shaking that much? Are your eyes even open? How much blood have you lost, boss?

  6. "But hey, sometimes we have to make mistakes to learn from them, right? Just hope you don't lose anything in the process."

    Does this sound familiar? At all?

    God damn, irony bites you on the ass hard, doesn't it? You spew out advice for everyone left and right, but when you take away your hero complex you're just another wet dog shivering in the rain.

  7. Ray, whoever the fuck you are, shut up or I will find you. And I have fucking knives.

  8. Forgive me for sounding rude, Ray, but who do you think you are?

    You know nothing about Spencer or Cam or what went down that night, nevermind what the boss has done for any of us. Look at Bleach and Blood. Look at Amanda's story. Sam and Todd and Doc and Steele... none of them were any better. Spence saved every last one of us from the brink of death at the hands of Slim n'Trim - nevermind the fact that that in on itself is absolutely ridiculous - and manages to keep us alive.

    You have no idea what any of us have been through, including Spencer.

    He does what he does and says what he says because he knows what it's like.

    He has a white streak in his hair for a reason. It's not aesthetic. It's not because he likes it. And don't even ask what's under his shirt.

    He cares about every single one of us and of course it hurts when he loses somebody.


    Kindly fuck off.

  9. ... August is right. Spencer... Shit, Spencer. Please be alright.

  10. Forgive me for not cuddling up to ole' Spencer here and saying 'everything will be all right'.

    Because it won't.

    But I'm sure you all knew that. If you don't, you will now.