Sunday, 25 March 2012

anotherone bites the god damn dust


there's no god here anymore.

There's no God here anymore, except for Him.

We're not doing deliveries anymore. We shouldn't have been doing them in the first place. The Couriers bring bad luck and pain and death wherever we go. I bring bad luck and pain and death wherever I go. I... I...

[It's alright, Spencer. Nobody is going to hurt you. Tell everyone what happened.]

... It was dark. No, it was bright. Day time. Safer. Safer to meet up with me. If anything, Mitch and Ryuu aren't stupid, but are shockingly well intentioned. She recognized me, Mitch. Nobody's ever mentioned how-


"...caught in a moment where you're torn between some sort of... sadistic glee and horror? And, later, when you see yourself in a mirror... heh. Yes, I know what that's like, Spencer. The others don't tend to get it when you're torn between the two sides. Either they mock you for being senstive, or they yell at you for not being normal..." 

"... Or they think you're a traitor before you even pass go, and you're left wondering... "christ, for all my struggling, all my fucking suffering, did it do any good? Does it make any difference?" It's when you start to think like that when the trouble begins, eh? Because sometimes, one person believing in you, it's not enough. And it never will be enough. Not when it feels like the entire world has already written you off..." 

[Let me tell you all a story.]

"Do you know... what I find most hilarious? When things get rough and those once-friends slap you across the face... when people you thought were there to help you prove that they'd rather just walk away... who's there with open arms? With friendly words and smiles that never reach their eyes? Like ours never do? Proxies. Our siblings. So eager to hold out a helping hand when everyone else runs away.... and yet, none of them SEE it. None of them SEE they are practically BEGGING us to just BE as our natures WANT us to be. They don't realize that it's when you're covered in blood that... that you need help washing it off. To stop the shaking and get that stupid grin off your face... they don't realize it... and HOW THE HELL can't they realize that? These aren't stupid people. So HOW is that overlooked? HOW?"

"... Thank you. Fuck, I'm sorry. It's just, you know. So hard sometimes. With the Drums and the pounding and the laughter and they just look at you like you're... like you're not even human, like you never were human anyways and none of it is their fault. And then they have the nerve- the nerve to tell you to resist? To fight back? To act as if you're not trying hard enough? To tell you that you're weak?"

[It's about two people you knew quite well. Or you thought you knew. They're both dead now. One, a warrior. And one, a mongrel. A useless dog who never followed orders.]

Oh fuck, and just... everything was fine for a while, we talked and... she really, really just understood, understood like you all claim to understand and you don't and fuck there's all this blood and I can't get it off me

"What else do I have? What other line of resistance can I take? What else can I do? I'm not- I'm not sure what to do anymore. It hurts. It always hurts. Reminding me that I can only run for so long. And then? And then?!? When I finally reach the end of the road, when I can't fucking do this anymore, what's left for me? Death...? Is that what I have to look forward to?!?"

"...Yes. You decide what's worth clinging to - what's worth FIGHTING for - and you hang onto that. You don't let them TAKE that. We all do what we can with the time we're allowed, Spencer. Once you're in, there's no leaving alive. I'm sorry you never got a chance to know what 'out' was like..." 

[The mongrel admired the warrior, and wanted to know how she had severed her chain. And deep down, the warrior pitied him, for you see, once upon a time, she had been a mongrel as well.]

And for once everything was fine and it felt like everything would be fine forever but then
but then I saw them following us with their barely concealed non-nonchalance and fancy gear and their looks that screamed "Proxy. Inhuman. Monster." You can tell who they are and what they want to do
Moriarty's men
They want to kill you so much you can feel it

 "...Is it wrong to feel relief when you see the light at the end of the tunnel? Even if... it's hellfire? Never believed in that before all this shit. Kinda funny, eh?"

"... It helps if you have something to hold on to. Some sort of idea that... you'll get punished.


[So it goes. But it's rather unfortunate, how the mongrel only brings his disease wherever he runs. This is all his fault, isn't it?]

We ran and we killed. And it was justified. It was fucking justified stop looking at me like that it was justified they were going to kill me! But we both got back to where we agreed to meet and then
the sky got darker
and all the noise of the city died down to only a hum
and the web of black started to wipe out the sky
And He

"What was the other option? Die? Would we have been 'saved' then? For chosing to die ourselves instead of killing others? The... puppeteer will just get new puppets if the previous ones are defective..."

""There will always be others. There will always be someone to take your place in this world. You will never be missed for long. It all goes on without you. And eventually... You'll be forgotten."

[But for once, for once, the mongrel decided to listen to our orders.]

And I
And I was on my knees
Waiting to die, watching Mitch walk towards Him and I

[Only one person had to die today.]

 "...The countdown finally reached midnight, then...?"

I turned my back on her like a coward and I ran
I ran and ran until I couldn't run anymore and there were so many voices telling me I had done the right
that I had done the right thing.

[Good dog. You'll get to rest soon.]

I'm sorry
I'm so, so sorry
Mitch is dead.

I left her there with Him
to die
and the only thing I could think of as I caught my breath
staring at my hands

"I'm next."


  1. I'm sorry. Not in the itismyfault way. Or maybe in exactly that way, despite what people say.

    1. ... I... thank you.
      I'm sorry too
      haha, but it really is my fault...

  2. Try not to give yourself to much grief.
    If you spend to much time thinking about your mistakes, you're just going to keep making more. Man the fuck up so you can be confident that your next decision will be the right one.

    1. If someone had to die, it should've been me.
      It should've been me

    2. Well it wasn't you and you can't change that. Make good use of your stolen time. Do something she would be proud of.

  3. Spencer man, you just summed up everything I've been thinking and then some. Look, I know its stupid for me to say anything, I mean, you've been dealing with shit longer, and worse, right?

    So, uhm...well fuck, guess there's nothin to say. Its hopeless, it always has been. No words of encouragement mean a damn thing, but I feel like I can say I don't like seeing this happen.

    1. I don't think
      anyone likes seeing this happen, but then again
      they don't want to do anything to stop it.

      [I'm included in that.]

    2. not exactly sure what CAN stop it, you know. It just is, and it just sucks.

  4. I feel like such a fickle inconsistent bitch sometimes but... oh god damnit... >.<;

    Spencer I- god, I'm just sorry, okay? I'm so fucking sorry. I don't even have words right now.

    and fuck, I don't even want to ask this, but did you actually SEE her die? I mean, if there wasn't a body then maybe- nngh, god I don't even want to think about this right now.

    1. ... When I looked back
      she wasn't screaming anymore.

      Does that - fuck
      does that answer your question?

    2. Sadly... I guess it does.

      Look... it's not your fault and no one is blaming you. Just... just get somewhere safe.

  5. What do the brackets mean?