Tuesday, 28 February 2012

~Steele~ Round the Twist.

It’s good to be on the road again. My mind doesn’t have the chance to wander to anything beyond surface deep.

I find I’m most at peace when I’m working. Strange how that got so screwed up. I’m most at peace when I’m taking what are often dangerous and/or illegal items across state boundaries, and of course they never do go flawlessly, do they?

It’s also strange that I can say that and not worry about leaving such a very obvious trail to what is at times essentially a casual arms trafficking organization: the feds are really the least of our worries. He’s always there, watching us mill about, pushing his pawns towards us with reckless abandon…But it’s not reckless, it’s almost as if it were calculated. Like He’s watching to see how we respond to pressure. And when he gets bored of that, he watches to see how we respond to pain. Like ants under a magnifying glass held by a sociopathic infant.

Strange things happen.

I’ve been thinking about my family today. Back home, back in the days before I had to grow up. Mum, Dad, my baby brother, my cousins, my aunts and uncles, my grandparents…my big sister…

I never went to her grave. It’s always been on my list of things to do before I die. Head back to Perth, see her again. Just let her know I’m still kicking around, I guess.

Sorry this is so disjointed. I’m really not trying tonight. I’m just thinking, and I guess you guys’ve been following for long enough that I don’t really mind letting you in on my thoughts. It’s apparently healthy, or so Dr. Rivers told me last time we spoke. Letting people know what I’m thinking. (I then believe I might’ve said he wasn’t a real doctor and that he should sod off, but he didn’t seem to take it to heart.)

I guess I’ve been thinking about family so much today because of the lunch we had. It wasn’t anything particularly momentous. August, Lori and I stopped at a diner on the road down to Louisiana…We sat down, ordered our meals, that sort of thing. Dealt with the terrible watery coffee, typical diner stuff. I was heaping my mug full of sugar when a little boy walked up to us. He was young…Probably around 10, I’d say, with sunny blonde hair and a serious scowl on his face. That lovely, pensive scowl that only a child can pull off. Like they’re SO close to solving some great mystery of life, like the answer is right there, close enough to grasp, but still so far away…and then they’re old, like me, and the answer is gone.

Strange that a 22 year old can call himself ‘old’ without a trace of irony. But I digress.

He stood there, totally quiet for a fairly long time until I noticed him; he was standing next to Lori, who was sitting next to August. “Hey little buddy, you lost?” I ask, attempting to sound kind. He didn’t move, but a blonde haired woman, maybe Lori’s age, with piercing green eyes walked up behind him and put a hand on his shoulder. “Gem, don’t disturb the nice people, love.” She looked up at us and smiled apologetically. “Sorry, he’s been very sheltered by my uncle; we’re just coming back from a trip to see the grandparents.” She had a familiar look about her, just really down to earth and matter of fact, but I suppose I just got a bit confused by someone our age talking about…family.

I guess I’ve always known that there were these big, idyllic families that people keep in contact with, but it always just seemed like a fantasy in my mind, a simple idea. I haven’t thought about my extended family in so long, my grandparents, my cousins. When I started running, that life ended, any possibility of that life faded away into the realms of hopes and dreams. My family’s still out there, presumably doing the same as normal. There would’ve been a funeral when Melissa died. Presumably closed-casket. (I wonder if Dad even told them that she was killed, or if they played it off as an act of God.) After the funeral, sure, everyone would be sad, but life would go on.

I wonder if my grandparents are still alive? It’s still very much a possibility, they were fairly young when they started a family. My aunts and uncles would definitely still be around. My cousins would be working, studying at uni, falling in love, getting married, having kids. This entire life that I know I’ll never be able to have.

A different life. One that’s a little less strange.

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