Saturday 24 December 2011
i’m floating
the first thing i notice is that im that that that im
you know
isn’t it weird how life just seems to buzz around you, sometimes like youre
like you’re not even
there. there, I fought it off
i fixed
ohgodithurts i fixed it are you happy now? I’m not, i’m not going to
so many
so many i see they're right there why cant
why cant anyone
its bright here
and everything hurts so much it feels like
my body is falling apart and i
sometimes i see lori, sometimes august
sometimes i hear todd and amanda and sam and
sometimes even leon but i
i cant see for more than a few seconds at a time and everything is screaming
my head hurts and He’d
already half in there
my eyes hurt and i cant see anything
how long has it been?
i can barely remember but everyones alive
alive
so many people arent and that
thats not fair
that’s not fair at all and i can only
im only going to watch and watch and watch and watch and He’s
He’s watching me He’s right here and nobody else can see him like a vulture waiting to claim a meal and He’s watching always watching he hasn’t stopped and i just want to be left alone and it hurts the pain is like a throb and it doesnt get better it never goes away and its making me insane and i cant breath and i can’t think i can’t i cant i cant i can’t i
iiiiiiiiiiiiiii
bynmmmm,99999jio ijb/;;;
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Spencer's gonna be fine, he just passed out on his keyboard, so I hit the publish button and tucked him into bed. I'll have somebody make a post later, I'm still a little concussed and drugged up. Eeryone's been in the infirmary since the house calmed down, we took one hell of a beating...some more than others. i"m so glad we have all thoe extra beds.
ReplyDeleteSince I doubt I'm going to be consicous for much of tomorrow, merry cHristmas everyone!
Oh fuck
ReplyDeleteFuck, you're alive. You're fucking alive. You're all alive!
I. Fuck I've been so scared for you.
i think i understand and you seem to be one of the few to feel some of what i feel and so im sure youve already considered what im going to say to do but ive gotta try: its all pointless so you may as well just give up.
ReplyDeletegive yourself the great gift of all and give in
Or you can give us all the even greater gift of shut the fuck up.
ReplyDeleteAnd it turns out it's Christmas, so it appears to be the right time for gift giving.
ReplyDeleteMerry fucking Christmas, Lori. Your gift is forgiveness.
but not forgetfulness
I know some folks who won't forget
ever
I apologize for what I said last night. I wasn't quite in my right mind due to that infectious holiday cheer.
ReplyDeleteI'm just not sure I understand why you people make it harder on yourself and keep fighting unstoppable doom.
Leon, I know I've been apologizing endlessly since we got out of this, and I know that each apology is even more useless than the last. But know that I didn't know what I was doing when you found me. That laughter wasn't mine, I don't even remember most of what I did. What I do remember is distant and dreamlike.
ReplyDeleteRegardless, I should thank you for finding me. For stopping me from doing more harm. Shouldn't even be treating anybody anymore, but fuck, something's better than nothing. God dammit. If it wasn't Christmas, I'd want to fucking kill myself.
What'd I say? Forgiven.
ReplyDeleteWe really ought to update the masses on what was going on, but fuck that, it's the holidays. Pretty sure we all need some time to get acquainted with each other again.
Merry Christmas, everyone.
ReplyDeleteI don't know what else to say