-Spencer- (Untitled)

August here.

Found this in the drafts.

I'll explain my absence later.

This is more important.

confusing dreams

again

going to be like

him

(nofuckdon'tsaythat)

Someone told me

I don't get it

Never did anything wrong

except when I did

and now it's all falling down down down

fuck, no, I don't want pity

it could mean nothing

it could mean nothing

it could mean nothing

it could mean everything

it means absolutely everything.

Fuck, Spencer, get with the program.

Steele'll be home soon

(Assuming he's not dead)

And you're going to have a lot

of explaining to do.

Got that?

So buck up.

You're going to have to cleanse eventually.

This isn't the time to lose your shit.

It's stupid. He hasn't even noticed you yet.

You could be Star. Or Nick.

He may not notice you at all.

... but that's not the problem

It's all out there now.

They know.

I know.

Why does it matter?

It all matters.

Because now you're starting to notice the similarities.

Between a monster like him

And a monster like you

How easy it is to be that.

How easy it is to nonono.

Deal with your TEAM, Spencer

your FAMILY.

You might not be able to fix everything.

But you can fix this.

...

Liar.

...

It's white here, blank, not the kind of white you see in the clouds or the white that you see on the first snow of the winter

it's blank, blanker than it's ever been

I read the blog

Cam's dead.

Cam's dead cam's dead and I'm not even there for my team

have you ever been falling for so long you're not sure if you're standing or if the ground is rushing up to meet you

pleased to meet you mr. slim, cause you see, he looked so happy on that night I just couldn't tell him, can't you see? I couldn't have told him, couldn't have, couldn't have, couldn't have, it would have ruined everything-

it's not my fault.

But it is my fault

because I didn't even try

"He was right behind him. Christ, they're not going to last, are they?"

I didn't mean it

I didn't mean it i didn't mean it I swear I didn't mean it

I wasn't sure how much they all remembered about the night I found them.

(alwaysalwaysnightnightnightalways)

Do you know what it looks like when someone is begging you to live? What about all the ones I didn't save?

What about all the ones I chose not to save?

I'm not even sure who I am anymore

Not sure what I'm for

what good I do

I don't do any good, it's just business, don't take it personally, but I can't take all of them in

or at least I tell myself-

... If I had told them

Told Cam.

I wonder.....

Would he have believed me?

I'm going to die here, aren't I?

I'm going to die and leave them all alone

Please god I don't want to die I don't want to help Him I don't want this I DON'T WANT THIS I DON'T WANT THIS ANYMORE

Please just let me keep Him away

I can't do that to all of them again

They need me

please god

they need me

... Don't they?